I Miss You

Christmas is over, all my presents were opened, and I've since organized them where they belong. I never really got into Christmas this year. I never got excited about looking at Christmas lights, decorating my tree, Christmas shopping, or wrapping presents. I was in a complete funk. I loaded up my car and went home to Stillwater on Christmas Eve ready to relax and hang out with my family. As our usual tradition, on Christmas Eve at 12pm we went to my Aunt and Uncle's house for pizza. (We've done this every Christmas Eve I can remember) As everyone is arriving, it hits me like a ton of bricks....There's someone missing, someone very special. Earlier this year my grandmother passed away and it was the saddest day of my entire life. I have never felt pain so deep. She was my best friend. As tears started rolling down my face, my mom just put her hand on my back. She knew without even asking. Christmas was my grandma's favorite time of year. She always had TONS of Christmas lights on her house, a few Christmas trees, and all the presents you could ever ask for. Every year she got me a Holiday Barbie. I have one for every year since the late 80's. I didn't get a Holiday Barbie this year. It wouldn't have been the same even if I had. After wrapping up with my extended family on Christmas Eve, I went with my parents to our church for a candlelight service. Christmas morning we woke up and opened all of our presents. I got some really great gifts, my mom cooked an amazing lunch, I took a nap, and then went to my dad's house to exchange gifts there. I later came home and saw one of the presents my mom received from my brother. It was a scrapbook that he had done for one of his classes. It had a few pictures but mostly short stories of all the chapters in his life. My mom saw me glance at and said, "you should read it, it's very touching." I hopped up on her bed and started to read this book. It had stories of my brother growing up and some of his favorite memories playing sports, fishing, and hanging out with his sister. (that's me) I continued reading and came to a chapter about loss. It was about my grandma. About all the memories we shared with her and all the laughs. Suddenly, the waterfall came. After one tear I couldn't stop. It's so weird to have all these great memories with someone and then to realize that there isn't another memory to be made. She won't be at my wedding or at Dustin's graduation. She won't get to see him play in his first college football game. This is the first time someone has died that I was so close to. It's still an ongoing nightmare. I keep thinking that she's going to call me to see if I'm watching American Idol or to wish me happy birhtday or to tell me how proud of me she is. I think the only thing that makes me feel better is to remember all the good memories and to know that she's watching me.

I know that she is my guardian angel.